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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28034361">Twelve Days of MadaNaruMas</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuchiki977/pseuds/kuchiki977'>kuchiki977</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas-themed vignettes, F/M, Female Uzumaki Naruto, Fluff and Humor, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, the one-shots aren't connected, the only thing that binds them is their shared holiday theme</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:47:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28034361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuchiki977/pseuds/kuchiki977</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Short one-shots for every day leading up to Madara's birthday on December 24th.</p><p>(The Russian translation courtesy of Dr. Delirious is available <a href="https://ficbook.net/readfic/10423823">here</a>.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Uchiha Madara/Uzumaki Naruko, Uchiha Madara/Uzumaki Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. It Follows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Madara takes a sip of his coffee. The caffeine doesn’t make the mirage in front of him disappear. Another sip. Still nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently, there is a real reindeer in the middle of the sidewalk. Literal doe eyes stare him down as he tries to recall a zoo or a farm close to this part of town and comes up short.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Assuming that someone else will take care of this, he dismisses the large animal and attempts to go around it. He sighs at the telltale clip-clop of hooves following after him. He needs to lose it before he gets home and Naruto sees it. She has been hinting heavily that she wants to get a pet and he has no desire to clean up the monstrous droppings a reindeer would leave behind on the carpet.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Most Dangerous Game</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Madara takes one look at the garish wreath hanging on the door to the house across the street and decides that this is the year that he’ll put a stop to the madness. The young woman living there, Uzumaki, is always hyped about something or another, but she loses all restraint when it comes to the winter holidays. The wreath is only a harbinger of the blinding light show she’ll set up in her yard. Wreaths, lights, trees—the intensity of her holiday spirit knows no bounds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This year will be different. What do obnoxious people like her hate more than anything? Being shown up. If he outdoes her decorations by a large enough margin, he might be able to shame her into keeping an acceptable amount of decorations on her lawn. In the best case scenario, she’ll restrain the holiday cheer to interior decorations. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yes, the thought of looking outside at night and not seeing a second sun across the street is very appealing, indeed. Thus, Madara throws down the gauntlet and hangs a larger, more ornate wreath upon his door. He eyes the paltry ring of weeds hanging on her door once more and smirks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Let the games begin.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Superiority Complex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I feel like there’s more frosting on you than on the gingerbread.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Naruto scowls at the frosting on her fingers, the table and her shirt—everywhere but the damn gingerbread house. Well, it was supposed to be a house. After the eighth time it collapsed, she was forced to accept that the best she could hope for was a gingerbread tent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Utterly blowing her poor tent out of the water, Madara’s gingerbread palace stands tall and proud. It’s not fair that he’s so good at this when he didn’t even want to make one. Doing a poor job of covering up his snort, he gestures to the tray of gingerbread people and suggests, “Perhaps, you would be better suited to giving my subjects clothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Some streakers would liven up your stupid gazebo, ya know,” Naruto tartly replies as she grabs the tray. Quite a few gingerbread people end up with...unique...faces, but they’re all dressed in a fair amount of frosting by the time Madara puts the finishing touches on his latest better-than-you project.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Admiring his handiwork, he huffs satisfactorily,  “I’d like to see someone make something better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without thinking about it, Naruto mentions, “Didn’t Hashirama say that he and Tobirama were gonna make one—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The palace could use a bridge.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A bridge?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A moat, too. A bridge without a moat is just ludicrous,” he says with a resolute nod and reaches for more building materials.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raising an eyebrow, Naruto asks, “Sure...but, didn’t you say you had work to do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Madara answers immediately, “Obliterating Tobirama’s self-confidence takes priority.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s fair.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Worn Wool</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A man that Naruto has never seen before stalks into the store just as soon as she starts her shift. She watches him scowl before hastily making his way over to the festive sweater section. Her manager warned her that she was a bit too enthusiastic with offering help to customers, so she counts down from one hundred before approaching him. One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, twenty, nineteen, done!</p><p>Naruto swears she sees his wild mane puff up when she calls out to him, “Can I help you with anything, sir?”</p><p>Pretending that he didn’t just jolt, the man holds out one of the most popular sweaters they have in stock like a used tissue and asks, “Don’t you have anything else...spirited...that isn’t as much of an eyesore?”</p><p>Obligatory customer service line said, Naruto reverts to her usual speech, “Not your style, huh?”</p><p>She grabs another sweater from a lower shelf and unfolds it for his perusal. “How ‘bout this one?”</p><p>Impossible as Naruto thought it was, the man’s frown deepens. She tosses it with a mental note to fold later and grabs another one. His expression doesn’t change. They go through several sweaters until he finally cracks a reluctant smile at a sweater depicting a gingerbread man with a broken leg that reads ‘OH SNAP.’</p><p>“All right! Grab your size and I’ll ring you up,” says Naruto as she turns toward the end of the aisle.</p><p>The man’s dulcet voice stops her in her tracks, “Hold on. I need twenty-three more sweaters.”</p><p>Unable to contain her shock, Naruto whirls around and squawks, “Twen—did ya lose a bet or somethin’?!”</p><p>The man’s face contorts as if he just ate something fowl. Bullseye. Empathetic to his shame, Naruto nods and assures, “I’ll go get the catalog.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For reference, here is the sweater in question:</p><p>https://www.hautelookcdn.com/products/SYP9-1745B/large/11997562.jpg</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Take Me Home Tonight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Just as Madara settles onto the couch with a mug of tea, Naruto bursts through the front door. Eyeing the wet spot on her coat and the slush she tracked into the entryway with distaste, Madara greets her with a light accusation, “I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to make it home in time for the holidays.”</p><p>“I didn’t want ya to be lonely on your birthday and Christmas, so I took the Shinkansen and two buses. Then, I ran across town to get home today,” explains Naruto and she sets a package down on the entryway table and removes her coat. Toeing off her boots, she grabs the box and tiptoes over the slush. </p><p>Madara huffs as she pads toward him, “You didn’t have to go that far.”</p><p>“You sounded pretty sad on the phone when I told ya my flight got delayed, ya know. Didn’t want ya to bawl your eyes out,” she wryly returns and places the shoddy package in his lap. </p><p>“I do not <em> bawl </em>—what is this?”</p><p>“Your birthday present.” At his judgmental look, Naruto defends, “Listen, they ran outta wrapping paper, so I had to make do!”</p><p>Feeling generous, he removes the duct tape and damp newspaper covering the box without further comment. Instead of another subscription to Bacon of the Month Club, he finds the hawking gauntlet he had been considering. </p><p>Plopping down onto the couch beside him, Naruto apologizes, “Sorry, if the box is a little wet. I slipped on my way here.”</p><p>Opening the box to try it on, Madara allows, “I suppose you can be forgiven.”</p><p>Failing to keep the amusement out of her voice as he admires his new glove, she asks, “Do ya like it?”</p><p>“It will do,” replies Madara with an excessive amount of nonchalance; like she didn’t see his face light up for a second. His eyes even darted toward the window to check the weather.</p><p>Glad that he’s so excited to test out his present, Naruto laughs, “Happy Birthday.”</p><p>“Thank you,” he says and Naruto catches his pleased upturn of the lips.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Can’t Believe It’s Not Fruitcake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“It’s your birthday, too?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Naruto runs to the kitchen so fast that she clips the wall. Her festive socks offer little traction against the kitchen tiles, but she maintains her balance as she slides toward the cupboards. After bumping into and tearing through half of them, she remembers that she has some pancake mix. She calls out to her flabbergasted neighbor sitting in the living room, “Hang on, I’m gonna make a cake!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A stack of pancakes kind of looks like a cake and she’ll stab a candle into it for him. It’s the best she can do on such short notice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Had Naruto known that the gloomy guy living in the adjacent apartment didn’t have any family to come visit him on Christmas Eve—</span>
  <em>
    <span>his birthday</span>
  </em>
  <span>—and Christmas Day, she would have invited him over long before now. If her flight to her hometown hadn’t been delayed due to inclement weather, he would have been alone this year, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even under close supervision, some pancakes end up a tad charred and misshapen. Unsure of how much syrup he likes on his pancakes, Naruto tries to write ‘Happy Birthday Madara’ on top, but runs out of space, so it ends up reading ‘Happy Birthd.’ Lamenting her subpar culinary skills, she carries the plate out to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Madara looks all kinds of uncomfortable and out of place in her untidy living room. He changed out of his expensive suit, but somehow he just seems too posh for her secondhand couch. It still baffles her that he actually accepted her invitation to spend Christmas Eve together.<em> His birthday!</em> She spares him her “awful” rendition of the birthday song and hands him the plate. She reassures, “I’ll getcha a better cake once the snow clears.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unsure of how to react, Madara accepts the plate. Her expectant stare prompts him to cut into the stack of pancakes and sample it. Despite its appearance, the makeshift birthday cake is passable. He tells her as much and she slouches in relief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The young woman confuses him. They haven’t spoken a word to each other in the years they have been neighbors, but she suddenly invited him inside her apartment. Most wouldn’t care if a stranger didn’t have any special plans for the holidays, let alone invite said stranger inside their apartment. Stranger still, he accepted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A vibrant smile greets him when he happens to look at her. He supposes there are worse ways to spend an evening.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Let There Be Light</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Madara enters the living room and finds Naruto in the middle of a mess. This is not unusual in itself, but the mess is themed to suit the time of year. He makes a detour into the kitchen for coffee before returning to get a front row seat to the spectacle she makes out of herself this year. Taking a seat in his recliner, he states the obvious, “None of those Christmas lights work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Doing her best to untangle the gnarled wires, Naruto retorts, “Yeah, they do. It just takes a little fiddlin’ to get ‘em goin’ is all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Humming dubiously, Madara asks, “How did you not learn your lesson after last year?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grins as a particularly difficult knot unravels. “It was just a couple sparks, ya know!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the fiery inferno?’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re exaggerating!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Recalling the wall of flames and subsequent visit from the fire department, he reminds, “The tree, your sweater, and your hair caught fire.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a pleasure to see the ugly sweater burn, but he directs a mournful look at the short locks she has now. Not only does she favor her new hairstyle, but she has gotten even more insistent with her badgering that he cut his hair, too. She let up once it started snowing, but he has a feeling that she’ll start up again once they hit spring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rather than reply to his statement, Naruto changes the subject, “How can someone born on Christmas Eve be such a scrooge?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Madara ignores the bait, but Naruto seems to have a realization. She turns to face him and posits, “Or is that </span>
  <em>
    <span>why?</span>
  </em>
  <span> You didn’t get enough attention or presents like other kids get on their birthday, so now you’re a grump?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” he asserts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding resolutely, she continues, “Come to think of it, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> gettin’ upstaged.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The two traits are unrelated,” insists Madara, but Naruto refuses to be convinced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She scoots over on her butt to pat his knee. Voice dripping with saccharine, she assures, “It’s okay. I’ll give you lo~ts of attention once I put the lights up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you fall off the roof,” he huffs and pulls his knee away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fully aware that he plans to hover around her to prevent such a thing, Naruto scoffs, “I know you’d catch me, so that’s not even a threat.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Caroling Caper</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As close to a song fic as I will ever get.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Among the many reasons he and Naruto were evicted from their apartment complex, her love for holidays must have been one of the main ones. While having an interest is perfectly fine, she makes sure that everyone else gets into the spirit—whether they want to or not.</p><p>Madara rolls his eyes as today's holiday-appropriate selection blares throughout their house. Apparently, it's from a cartoon. He can't remember the name, but the nonsensical lyrics are beginning to stick in his brain as the song begins it's twentieth replay since Naruto left it on repeat.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not your normal, average, everyday</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He would get up to shut the stereo off, but it's in the middle of the mess the living room has become as Naruto decorates. Besides, he's trying to get some work done.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>People seem a little more brotherly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Here's a special something to you from me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Even the trash on Christmas smells sweetly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>At this point, it's more white noise than anything.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tonight things are as good as they seem to be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A star on top will complete all the scenery</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me," says Madara, under his breath.</p><p>A box of ornaments crashes to the ground behind him. He turns to see Naruto grinning maniacally in the doorway to his office. Her excitement is palpable. "Did you just—"</p><p>"No," he vehemently denies and turns back around.</p><p>Approaching his desk chair, Naruto prods. "It sounded an awful lot like you—"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"—were singin' my favorite christmas song, ya know," she finishes. Resting her hands on his shoulders and her cheek atop his head, she leans forward onto him.</p><p>Trying to focus on his computer screen, Madara asserts. "Well, I wasn't."</p><p>Naruto embraces him from behind and sways them side to side as she whines, "A~w, come o~n. Won't ya sing for me again?"</p><p>Madara huffs, "I refuse."</p><p>"But you have such a lovely singin' voice," she wheedles.</p><p>"A pity," he says and pointedly types at his keyboard. When she stubbornly remains in place, he strongly hints that she's obstructing his work, "Don't you have a Christmas party to prepare for?"</p><p>"Fine," she sighs and releases him. He doesn't turn to look as her footsteps pad away. The box of ornaments rattles as she hefts it into her arms and steps a foot through the doorway. Leaning back into the room, she blurts, "But it's cool if I sign us up to go caroling, right?"</p><p>Madara whirls around to refuse, but she's already made a swift exit. With a groan, he gets back to work. It'll take a miracle to finish everything before Naruto drags him along on her haphazard holiday plans.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Movie Madness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Movie marathons are one of Naruto's tamer holiday rituals, but Madara can't help thinking there is something off about this one. Generally, movie marathons airing on TV have a theme, especially during the holidays. While it is true that the movie they're watching right now is appropriate for the time of year, he wonders why this particular film merits a twenty-four hour continuous marathon. When he foolishly asks, Naruto matter-of-factly informs him, "It's a classic, ya know!"</p><p> </p><p>"You'll shoot your eye out!"</p><p> </p><p>Be that as it may, Madara is quite tired of hearing what seems to be the central theme of the movie. Granted, the scene in which a child gets his tongue stuck to a pole was mildly amusing—the first time. The scene, and the movie as a whole, lose quite a bit of charm by the fourth replay in one sitting.</p><p>Exhausted in a number of ways, Madara gathers his blankets around himself and rises from the couch. He announces, "I'm going to bed."</p><p>When Naruto turns off the TV and starts to follow him to their bedroom, he firmly asserts, "<em>You will not be watching that movie in our bedroom."</em></p><p>She plops back down onto the couch with a pout and turns the TV back on. Madara scoffs and climbs the stairs. The noise of the TV grows fainter with each step he takes away from it and he is all too glad to shut the movie out with their bedroom door.</p><p> </p><p>~xXx~</p><p> </p><p>"You'll shoot your eye out!"</p><p> </p><p>Madara's eyes snap open on Christmas Day. It would seem that his blissful reprieve has come to an end. Once he reaches the living room, Naruto has the damn movie marathon playing once more. Then again, he doesn't remember her coming to bed, so she might have stayed up all night. Her jittery movements and a half-full cup of coffee on the end table that certainly wasn't there when he went to bed suggest that she did just that.</p><p>His voice approaches a plea. "Something else. <em>Anything</em> else."</p><p>Eyes glued to the screen, she dismisses the thought with a distracted flap of her arm in his general direction. "The marathon ends at eight."</p><p>Madara looks at the clock. He blanches. "<em>Eleven hours from now."</em></p><p>"Yep," she confirms with finality.</p><p>With a profound sigh, Madara bargains, "If you agree to stop watching that movie, I'll do...the thing you asked."</p><p>Her full attention suddenly on him, she asks, "Which thing?"</p><p>"The," he takes a deep breath, "the sweater—"</p><p>An unholy glee in her eyes, she exclaims, "You'll put it on?!"</p><p>At his reluctant nod, Naruto stabs the 'off' button on the remote and vaults over the couch. She races up the stairs as Madara sinks into the couch. The sweater may be the lesser of two evils, but he will need a significant amount of mental preparation for the family gathering he will be contractually-obligated to attend while wearing said sweater.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fun fact: A twenty-four hour marathon of the movie referenced (A Christmas Story) airs on American television from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day nearly every year.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Witchcraft</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The wrapping paper tears once again. Naruto grimaces. It's not like she's trying to wrap a difficult shape. The box just seems to spit in her eye every time she dares to try. She knows she'll regret it, but she looks over to the expertly wrapped <em>bike</em> resting against the wall near the Christmas tree.</p>
<p>Of course, Madara couldn't settle for just a bow. His nephew's new bike is completely encased in immaculate wrapping paper; not a wrinkle or unnecessary fold in sight. It's practically begging her to poke a hole in it.</p>
<p>Naruto inches toward it, but a voice warns her, "Don't even think about it."</p>
<p>Turning toward the source of the voice, she wonders how Madara snuck into the living room without making a sound. Naruto bluntly asks, "Are you a witch?"</p>
<p>Without skipping a beat, he answers, "Only during business hours."</p>
<p>Gesturing to his latest monument to superiority, Naruto posits, "Did you wrap this during <em>business hours?"</em></p>
<p>"Perhaps," he replies while hiding his grin behind his mug. "You seem to be having a bit of trouble."</p>
<p>Naruto scowls and hides her latest failure behind her back. She denies, "Not really."</p>
<p>"I could be persuaded to help...for compensation, of course," Madara nonchalantly suggests. He watches as her face contorts from hopeful to suspicious, and back again.</p>
<p>The half-wrapped box behind her and the pile of Christmas presents off to the side mock her. It'll take forever to wrap them all based on how long she has already spent on the first box. Who knows what he might ask in exchange, though. "Suppose I take you up on your offer...whaddya want?"</p>
<p>"Skip the eggnog drinking contest—"</p>
<p>Naruto protests, "But that's a tradition!"</p>
<p>"So, too, is wrapping presents."</p>
<p>Glancing at the accusatory pile of unwrapped presents, she tries to bargain, "What if I just bow out at the end?"</p>
<p>Madara shakes his head in the negative. "My terms are final."</p>
<p>"Fine," she grumbles and pushes the pile toward him. "I definitely would've won this time, just so ya know!"</p>
<p>Holding a hand out for the tube of wrapping paper, Madara retorts, "Hashirama spikes it every year, so I highly doubt that."</p>
<p>Naruto gapes as the tube slides out of her hand. "I thought it tasted funny!"</p>
<p>"One would think that would stop you from drinking it," he comments as he begins to wrap the first box. Infinitely pleased that Naruto won't be grievously hungover the day after Christmas this year, Madara encases the box in paper, folds the edges and tapes it shut in under a minute.</p>
<p>Shocked to see him in action, Naruto gapes as she hands him the next gift. In under a half hour, her pile of gifts is wrapped so neatly that her family and friends won't believe she did it. Once they're all situated on her side of the Christmas tree, she says, "Now, I <em>know</em> you're a witch."</p>
<p>"It was a pleasure doing business with you," says Madara smugly before taking a sip from his mug.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Bargain Hunting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Here we are, again. Standing in a horrendously long line in the dead of winter because you procrastinated buying christmas presents," says Madara as a particularly cold breeze blows by.</p>
<p>Hiding behind him and attempting to leech warmth from his hair, Naruto's retort is a bit muffled. "Shut up, I just forgot."</p>
<p>He returns, "Isn't that worse?"</p>
<p>"You can go home, ya know," she tartly replies.</p>
<p>Madara feigns a worried tone, "But, who would pay your bail when you get yourself thrown in jail for assaulting another shopper this year?"</p>
<p>"She had it coming. She saw I had my hands on the TV first."</p>
<p>"I distinctly remember the police officer disagreeing with that logic."</p>
<p>Naruto huffs and buries her face into his hair. "Just tell me when it looks like they're going to unlock the doors."</p>
<p>She only receives a noncommittal hum in reply, but she knows Madara too well. He's probably watching the front door like a hawk. His competitive nature will take over the second the doors open. All Naruto has to do is stay behind him while he makes a path.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~xXx~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Limited edition console for Konohamaru? Check. Blu Ray set of Mom's favorite TV series? Check. A tie for dad? Check. Gift card for Sasuke—</p>
<p>Catching Madara slip something into the cart out of the corner of her eye, she asks, "What is that?"</p>
<p>He shrugs and starts pushing the cart away. She catches up and digs out...a scented candle? "Who are you buying this for?"</p>
<p>He reluctantly answers, "...Tobirama."</p>
<p>"Don't you hate—oh, that's right. You got him for secret santa," she trails off as she inspects it for poison or a flavor intended to be a horrid stench. Instead, she finds a label accented with apples and leaves and the words, 'Be Thankful' written in the middle. She snorts, "Real subtle. This is much better than buyin' a paper bag and shitting in it, like I thought you were gonna do, though."</p>
<p>"How crude," comes Madara's dispassionate reply. However, Naruto notices how he doesn't seem particularly against the idea.</p>
<p>They reach the checkout line before Naruto realizes that Madara is a hypocrite. She accuses, "You said all that crap while we were waitin' in line, but <em>you</em> weren't done Christmas shopping either!"</p>
<p>He shrugs and tries to explain it away, "I knew it would come to this, so I left the last item on my list—"</p>
<p>A vindictive smile grows on her face as she comes to a realization. "<em>You</em> forgot, too. Probably because it was Tobirama, but that still counts, ya know!"</p>
<p>Puffing out a disbelieving laugh, Madara argues, "Ridiculous. Me? Forget? Pure nonsense."</p>
<p>"So you already bought a secret santa gift for Tobirama, but you're buying him another one?"</p>
<p>The denial on the tip of Madara's tongue halts. Distasteful as it would be to admit that he forgot, the implication that he would go so far for Tobirama, of all people, is much worse. He shifts attention away from himself, "Compared to forgetting to buy <em>any</em> presents, who is truly worse in this situation?"</p>
<p>Moving past him to begin putting their items on the conveyor belt, Naruto pats him on the shoulder and assures, "Don't worry, we're craptastic together!"</p>
<p>If her grin grows at the sound of a low growl behind her, well, the cashier is the only one the wiser. However, it falls off her face when she can't seem to find her wallet. Calling out to him with as much sweetness as she can muster, "He~y, honey bunches who I love so very much? Ya got your card?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Five-finger Discount</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Leaning back into her seat, Naruto glares out the windshield as she says to Sai, "You just had to go n' eat Chouji's snacks, didn'tcha?"</p>
<p>"I apologized several times, but he didn't seem interested in listening," responds Sai as he doodles in a notebook. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the rookie assignment they have been given nor repentant of how he landed them in this position in the first place.</p>
<p>Shifting her gaze away from the evergreen trees standing tall in front of the parking lot, she side-eyes Sai and asks, "Did ya actually apologize, or did ya ruin it by insulting him somehow?"</p>
<p>Sai's pencil stops moving as he recalls the incident. He taps the tip of his pencil against the paper and theorizes, "I suppose he might have found my offhand comment about his weight interfering with his work insulting."</p>
<p>Naruto resists the urge to smash her face into the steering wheel, but only just. Instead, she groans, "You <em>know</em> how sensitive he is about his weight."</p>
<p>He merely shrugs and returns to doodling. "It must have slipped my mind."</p>
<p>Surmising that Sai was probably trying to bond with Chouji in his own strange way, but it backfired horribly, Naruto heaves a sigh and cuts the squad car's engine. "Come on, let's tell the owner we're here."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~xXx~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the fifth loop of the Evergreen Christmas Tree Farm, Naruto has grown tired of trying to blow her breath out in puffs like a steam train. The farm is massive enough that she can't even see Sai on his rounds. They're maintaining radio silence, but Naruto is fairly certain they would hear the notorious Christmas Tree Thieves chopping down a tree regardless of whether they talked to pass the time. Why are two decorated officers even doing this—</p>
<p>The faint sound of a tree falling over breaks her out of her thoughts. Keeping as quiet as possible while trudging through the snow, Naruto follows the conspicuous noise of a tree being stolen until she comes upon a...lone man? Dumbfounded, she watches him drag a tree by himself several yards with little effort before shining her flashlight on him. She yells, "Drop the tree and put your hands in the air!"</p>
<p>The elderly man turns toward her before dropping the tree trunk and making a break for it through the trees. In between maniacal laughs, he yells back, "Try n' catch me coppers!"</p>
<p>Chasing after him, Naruto yells into her radio, "I've got eyes on the thief! He's an elderly man in a green bodysuit and he's heading toward the forest behind the farm! Cut him off—"</p>
<p>Running in a serpentine pattern through the trees, the thief yells back, "I ain't old!"</p>
<p>"Roger that," comes Sai's reply over the radio.</p>
<p>The old man refuses to give her a clear shot with her stun gun as he dodges between trees, so the chase drags on long enough for Sai to join the fray. After another failed attempt to cut him off, the perpetrator taunts them, "Aw, gettin' tired already, kids? I can do this all night!"</p>
<p>Unfortunately for him, his hubris is his own undoing. An energetic leap lands him atop an inopportune patch of ice. His arms flail out to find purchase and Naruto, taking advantage of the situation, grabs one and then the other. She slaps some handcuffs on him and they escort him to the back of their squad car before sharing the good news with the owner.</p>
<p>In their elation, they offer the two officers a parting gift.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~xXx~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the elevator doors part on his floor, Madara doesn't think much of the tree sticking out of a doorway and into the hall. The closer he gets to it, however, he begins to notice the warning signs. The apartment numbers closing in on his as he approaches. The sound of swearing in a familiar voice. And finally, the smell of cheap take-out wafting from the room.</p>
<p>Madara stops outside his apartment, just short of the tree blocking the entrance. He clears his throat. Naruto and her partner, Soy or something, stop trying to force the enormous tree into the tiny apartment and turn to look at him. Contrary to her partner's blank look, Naruto's guilty smile betrays her. "He~y, honey bunches! You're home early!"</p>
<p>"The conference ended early," Madara explains while casting a displeased glance at the pine needles scattered across the floor.</p>
<p>Nudging her partner, they try to pull the tree through the entryway and into the living room once more as she responds, "That's great! You must be tired after your business trip, so we'll just get this outta your way—"</p>
<p>Madara blinks slowly and blows a breath out his nose. "Naruto."</p>
<p>"Yeah?"</p>
<p>He reminds, "You know that the landlord banned Christmas trees."</p>
<p>She pauses pulling on the tree trunk to reply with forced nonchalance, "Scrooge doesn't need to know."</p>
<p>"And when he does a sweep of our apartment?"</p>
<p>"He hasn't stepped a foot inside since a <em>certain someone</em> moved in, ya know," Naruto returns just as the tree finally comes unstuck and slides the rest of the way into the apartment. Stepping over the mess in their wake, Madara follows them inside to observe Naruto's latest project.</p>
<p>They stand it up in the corner of the living room hidden from the front door. The top of the tree is bent against the ceiling, but Naruto's sigh is content as she thanks her coworker for his help. Despite the supposed social quirks at the root of many of Naruto's anecdotes about him, he takes her thanks as his cue to leave. He replies to her thanks before nodding at Madara and disappearing out the door.</p>
<p>Naruto turns to him. The brightness of her smile dares him to tell her to get rid of the tree <em>now.</em> Gesturing to the pine needles everywhere, Madara sighs, "Clean this up after you're done."</p>
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